sunday mourning

hello readers! long time no talk to eh? i'll try to keep this short because i remember promising to try to keep my blogs a little lighter and zestful!! since, i don't have too much of that in me today, i can at least keep the gloom short right? first things first, i just got out of the hospital again on friday. i got diagnosed on july 19, 2005 and was in for 8 days. then for 2 days in august of 2006 (i was fine for over a year!). then for 6 days in the beginning of september 2006. then, finally, this last 3 day run towards the end of september....ha! i had only been out for 8 days from the last visit! i really do feel fine this time though. well, not "fine" but seriously, MUCH better! my heart rate has slowed down significantly and it almost feels normal. they upped my meds to just about as far as they could go without overdosing me.....i only have one more med thay can up, so this combo is my last shot before having to go for the heart transplant immediately. keep ur fingers crossed. they also gave me some nicotine patches to flop on, around, and about my person so i'll be starting those tomorrow. it really does feel like a mourning process to have to give up cigarettes. and if i'm being honest, i should say "...to have to TRY to give up...." because....who knows? i'm not even really enjoying football today because i'm just sullen, i keep looking at this one last pack (18 cigs left) and thinking "no more after tomorrow" and at this point, that's not a happy thought. i wish i could just fast forward to 6 months from now where cigarettes smell gross to me and i frown when people light one up around me. i can't WAIT for that day but until then..... the thing that seems to help the most whilst trying to quit is writing (since i'm a writer) so...sorry guys....i might be a donnie downer (donnie "diggler" downer for those that know me well) for who knows how long? but i promise to make it up to everybody eventually. i was trying to think of sumthin funny to say as to how i would make it up to u guys but i have nuthin. sorry. but thanks you guys for the laughs and well wishes when i get sick and all that. no matter who says the online thing is weird, i really do love u guys. not just shellie (my #1) and patrick (even though we're still kinda doing the awkward thing face to face....we're both shy...give us time....we've only met twice) bcuz i met them face to face, but everybody. i love all u guys....u help keep my mind off things. so thank you.