so many uglies

sometimes i go a few days without writing anything, sometimes i post twice in one day. any of you fuckers have a problem with that? i didn't think so. "so many uglies" is a poem i wrote in december 2001 (in jail. dec. 21, 2001 to be exact....i spent my birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve and new years day in the joint!) it's about loss of love and feeling lonely and worthless. it's about feeling like you deserve to lose your love and be lonely because you ARE worthless. when i went back to re-read some of my old shit this really struck a chord with me because i'm so far past this now. it's like it means even more today because of the complete contrast to how i usually feel now. i did NOT cry when i read this! I DID NOT!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!! TAKE IT BAAAACCKKK!!!! if i DID cry (and i'm not saying i did), it was for this old version of Camm. wow.

so many uglies

all these lilies. look at all these flowers. delicate to the touch. i crush them every time. you are a bouquet. your petals smell so lovely. you brighten any room. then i touch you. now you're wilted like me.

so many uglies. listen to the chaos. invite me to the madness. i'll even bring a friend. you can wear your clown suit. please will you scare me? i'll withstand, i promise. but now it's too late.

everyone is happy. i can feel them smiling. piercing my sadness. hurting my pain. loneliness fucks me. so then i'm not lonely. my constant companion. never lets me up.

we can bump uglies. my empty can merge with your nothing. meet me in the negative. we'll share all none of it.