the entire struggle

***ATTN: SEE NEXT BLOG FIRST***
739pm. almost an hour since i posted the last blog. i couldn't do it. i'm not strong enough. i bought a pack of cigarettes and a 40 oz. of MGD. why did i even admit it? i dunno. i know that it's NOT about me being an attention whore or a drama king (yes, king). i do feel the need to talk about and give voice to my issues but that doesn't automatically lump me in with the Lyn's and Marei's of the world. i'm not here to bitch about the fact that my boyfriend took me off his top 8 on myspace and now my whole world is crumbling down (lyn). or to toss out any random sexual thought that pops into my head (the more vile, the better) in order to get ANY type of attention (marei). i think i came back to confess because i need for people to know so that hopefully i'll eventually feel some type of regret, maybe even a little shame about it. i was suffering, but doing so good and now i just flushed it. 9 days. gone. tony's gonna be pissed. i don't know if i'm gonna tell him or not. he doesn't read this blog unless i send him the link and tell him to read something specifically. but who knows? maybe he saved the link and he pops in every now and then to see what i'm yappin about. if he does then my shame will be tenfold. he's really concerned about my health. before, he hated cigarettes anyway. but then when i got sick and was told that i HAD to quit smoking, he made it his mission to make sure that i do so. he's threatened to leave me several times over this....said he can't just sit around and watch me kill myself. sigh. i'm pretty sure no one reads these on the weekends (you guys probably have....what do they call them?.....ummm....oh yeah, lives) but it'll all be here for the lot of you to see on monday morning. the entire struggle. maybe even tuesday morning; i forgot monday was a holiday. i realize that most of my blogs could cause me to be labeled as a "debbie downer" so from now on i'll try to keep the misery to myself. i'll at least curtail it some. shit, i depress my own fuckin self sometimes. and you know what? i got the cigs, i feel better physically as far as the cravings go, but i'm just as down as ever. because i gave in.