so many uglies

sometimes i go a few days without writing anything, sometimes i post twice in one day. any of you fuckers have a problem with that? i didn't think so. "so many uglies" is a poem i wrote in december 2001 (in jail. dec. 21, 2001 to be exact....i spent my birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve and new years day in the joint!) it's about loss of love and feeling lonely and worthless. it's about feeling like you deserve to lose your love and be lonely because you ARE worthless. when i went back to re-read some of my old shit this really struck a chord with me because i'm so far past this now. it's like it means even more today because of the complete contrast to how i usually feel now. i did NOT cry when i read this! I DID NOT!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!! TAKE IT BAAAACCKKK!!!! if i DID cry (and i'm not saying i did), it was for this old version of Camm. wow.

so many uglies

all these lilies. look at all these flowers. delicate to the touch. i crush them every time. you are a bouquet. your petals smell so lovely. you brighten any room. then i touch you. now you're wilted like me.

so many uglies. listen to the chaos. invite me to the madness. i'll even bring a friend. you can wear your clown suit. please will you scare me? i'll withstand, i promise. but now it's too late.

everyone is happy. i can feel them smiling. piercing my sadness. hurting my pain. loneliness fucks me. so then i'm not lonely. my constant companion. never lets me up.

we can bump uglies. my empty can merge with your nothing. meet me in the negative. we'll share all none of it.

rochelle james

edgren james is calling a press conference this morning. hmmmm. i wonder what that's all about? shellie? any ideas? you know, the news of matt leinart knocking up his girlfriend just broke; maybe there's more baby news to come eh? i call godfather!!!

nuclear ants

ok. so tony (tony's my hubby; he doesn't want me to write about him but he OK'd it anyway) left his pizza in the microwave last night (after i told him to get up and put it in the fridge!.....umm, angry tangent, party of one) and when i woke up today it was, of course, covered with ants. so i threw the pizza away but the ants were still hangin around...ya know, just chillin in the microwave. so here's what i did: i nuked the bitches!! i turned it on for 3 minutes at HIGH and guess what?? THEY DIDN'T DIE!!!! is that common knowledge and i'm the only one who didn't know this?? i microwaved a small colony of ants on HIGH for 3 minutes and they just kept on about their business....they were eating and carrying crumbs, they were stopping to kiss each other! i mean, they didn't even make haste!! the heat wasn't a factor whatsoever!! damn them. damn them all to hell.

i will survive

hey i figured i AM gay (contrary to popular belief) so i should incorporate one of the gay anthems into a subject line at least! what i meant was: i'm still alive and the docs say i might actually remain that way for a wee bit longer. my breathing issues and the extra-hard and fast heartbeat were remedied by them tripling up on my water pills. so, for at least a week, i'm going to be leaving pisses in an even quicker succession (grammar?)....is "succession" the word i'm looking for here? doesn't sound right to me. it sounds CLOSE, but not quite right. help me out here folks...... so i piss like a racehorse (NOT Russian! Russians are scary to me...sorry Russians) for a week then go back for them to check me out. THEN a wek after that i have an appt. with my normal cardiologist (Dr. Olson) and by then he'll have been fully apprised of my situation and it's up to him to decide if it's pacemaker time or heart transplant time or time to do anything at all. so, we shall see...and i'll keep you all posted.....and thanx for everything. luv u guys seriously. forgive me for all the mushiness, but i always get like that when it's "death scare time of the year".

that's it, i'm turning myself in

hey guys. i'm sick again. well, i've been a little sick since june but as of today, the major symptoms of my congestive heart failure are back. when i woke up this morning i could SEE my heart beat. my left tit (the heart side) is bouncing up and down like crazy! i think my enlarged heart has gotten even bigger. just to test it, i laid down and put my remote on my chest and you should've seen it....it was like a mexican jumping remote control. also as of today, the breathing problems are back. i seriously can hardly breathe. i have an appt. at the docs tomorrow so i'm gonna take it easy today and go in tomorrow for my scheduled appt. at 330. the last time i was hospitalized i was there in ICU for 8 days and that was WITHOUT surgery. this time, i'm sure i'll be getting the much talked about pacemaker. at this point i'm HOPING for the pacemaker as opposed to the heart transplant. if i'm missing for a while i'll be in touch with my shellie and she'll be able to let all u guys know how i'm doing. keep ur fingers crossed for me!! luv u guys 4real!!!

"take a dump"

ponder this:

in our society it's common slang (for some of us that're a bit less of the "mr. manners" type at least) to say that we have to go "take a shit" or "take a piss". but if you really think about what you're saying, isn't that disgusting? i mean, nobody TAKES a shit unless they're just all kinds of psycho! i read a book called "the honeywell" recently (i forget the authors name) and one of the main characters had dropped her wedding ring in the toilet AFTER she had dropped a deuce in it. she was sufficiently freaked out but even then, she still didn't "take a shit" in order to remove the ring. my dad was actually the one who made me think of this a long time ago. he would always say "i have to go LEAVE a shit" or "leave a piss". obviously, using the word "leave" stuck with me. you'll never hear me saying i have to "take a shit"....that's just......wrong. gross. think about it readers. think about it.

about "ramsey ran away"

yo. i'll tell you all about myself at a later time. for now, i want to talk about ramsey. whilst i was in military jail (i told you, i'll tell you all about me later!) there was this tiny little bug. i think it was a baby moth or sumthin of the sort. anyway, the tiny little bug proved to be a rather large nuisance to all my fellow inmates in our corridor. well, not really a LARGE nuisance...his biggest downfall was biting everybody while they slept. i still say,they couldn't prove it was that particular bug but hey, what do i know? he eventually made his way over to my area where i had a little locker covered in pics and shelves with deodorant and soap and shit like that. but get this! he never left once he came to my area. i mean like NEVER!! after about 4 or 5 days of him being there i started to like him. i wouldn't let any of the guys kill him and i dubbed him Ramsey. Ramsey turned into my buddy. after mandatory exercise i'd come back and there was Ramsey, chillin atop my lotion. or we'd go eat and come back to find Ramsey on my pillowcase. Ramsey was cool and everybody eventually came to think of him as my pet. then one day, about 2 weeks after he came to me, i went to work at the post office on the base and he was gone when i came back. Ramsey was GONE!! call me crazy, call me juvenile, but i really fell into a funk over him being gone. i'm already a moody person of sorts, then throw in the fact that i was in jail at the time, and now Ramsey is gone too?? not good. i became very depressed that my Ramsey was gone. i even wrote a poem about it, it's called "Ramsey ran away". in the poem "Ramsey" is not my Ramsey. in the poem my mind, my sanity, is represented by Ramsey. it was like the day my Ramsey ran away, so did my mind. it was a very short-lived and over-exaggerated depression....don't worry, i'm no looney! or am i? i present to you, fine readers, my work....Ramsey ran away


ramsey ran away

i dropped my toothbrush today
and ramsey ran away
whimsical as he is, he was gone
as ominous as it was i never suspected he would really leave,
i danced around the thought with trepidation
now, with him gone, i falter easily
i hardly remember what life was like with him here
(if he was ever really here at all)

there was too much traffic on the freeway today
and ramsey ran away
he does it all the time, i think it's a test
he wants to see how long i can last without him
goddamned ramsey. fuck, i miss him
now, with him gone, i falter easily
i'm still trying to figure out if he was ever really here

i stepped in shit today
and ramsey ran away
now, with him gone, i falter easily
fuck it, i could never claim him as my own anyway