sunday mourning

hello readers! long time no talk to eh? i'll try to keep this short because i remember promising to try to keep my blogs a little lighter and zestful!! since, i don't have too much of that in me today, i can at least keep the gloom short right? first things first, i just got out of the hospital again on friday. i got diagnosed on july 19, 2005 and was in for 8 days. then for 2 days in august of 2006 (i was fine for over a year!). then for 6 days in the beginning of september 2006. then, finally, this last 3 day run towards the end of september....ha! i had only been out for 8 days from the last visit! i really do feel fine this time though. well, not "fine" but seriously, MUCH better! my heart rate has slowed down significantly and it almost feels normal. they upped my meds to just about as far as they could go without overdosing me.....i only have one more med thay can up, so this combo is my last shot before having to go for the heart transplant immediately. keep ur fingers crossed. they also gave me some nicotine patches to flop on, around, and about my person so i'll be starting those tomorrow. it really does feel like a mourning process to have to give up cigarettes. and if i'm being honest, i should say "...to have to TRY to give up...." because....who knows? i'm not even really enjoying football today because i'm just sullen, i keep looking at this one last pack (18 cigs left) and thinking "no more after tomorrow" and at this point, that's not a happy thought. i wish i could just fast forward to 6 months from now where cigarettes smell gross to me and i frown when people light one up around me. i can't WAIT for that day but until then..... the thing that seems to help the most whilst trying to quit is writing (since i'm a writer) so...sorry guys....i might be a donnie downer (donnie "diggler" downer for those that know me well) for who knows how long? but i promise to make it up to everybody eventually. i was trying to think of sumthin funny to say as to how i would make it up to u guys but i have nuthin. sorry. but thanks you guys for the laughs and well wishes when i get sick and all that. no matter who says the online thing is weird, i really do love u guys. not just shellie (my #1) and patrick (even though we're still kinda doing the awkward thing face to face....we're both shy...give us time....we've only met twice) bcuz i met them face to face, but everybody. i love all u guys....u help keep my mind off things. so thank you.

molecular ebonicisms

**SEE NEXT POST FIRST** sorry, i know it's a bit of a hassle to scroll down!! i had to come right back because i went back after the last post to finish watching the show and as soon as i un-paused it there's flav saying "i had to slide down into her molecules of wetness!". huh? again readers, what the fuck? remind me again why i watch this show? oh yah, cuz i'm a tv junkie! even if it's degrading and bad and not PC, it's still entertaining. hell, it's even better in alot of cases!! haha! molecules of wetness?

flavor of "love"?

ok, so i'm watching the show right? and keep in mind, i don't have any problem owning up to any of my guilty pleasures. well shit, i guess it doesn't qualify as a "guilty pleasure" if i don't feel guilty about it, does it? anyway, i'm watching the show and i DO feel some sort of shame and embarrasssment at how these (MOSTLY black chicks) will shake their asses and cuss each other out and fight each other and be super ghetto just to be on tv....bcuz d'uh! they're definitely not doing it for the love of one, flavor flav. the things they do kinda disturbs me....kinda makes me wanna say "hey! ladies! amos n' andy called, they want their degradation gig back", but at the same time the "car wreck" theory applies. i just can't look away....it's just so entertaining!! my biggest issue about the show is not the ladies though, it's how the ladies have to deal with flavor flav!! usually when i watch a show i'm making faces and semi-disgusted at how some of these beautiful male hollywood fake types have to kiss these beautiful female hollywood fake types. i'm all "yuck! poor gay dood has to kiss cameron diaz?? PHOOEY!".....yah, most male fake hollywood types are gay in my opinion. not rumor, cuz i hate rumor! just a personal belief and observation (which is why i didn't name names) but in this case, i'm looking at these ladies that have the good fortune to be involved with this show and i'm thinking "OMG! how in THE HELL does this chick and that chick lay there and stick her tongue in this man's "mouth"?!?!?" the tables, in this case, have turned!! i actually feel sorry for the women!! no human should be subjected to having to jump through all these hoops, to pretend to like flavor flav, to have to kiss him, AND at the end of the show leave with no monetary compensation!!! just a life with ugly ass flavor flav?? what the fuck?? did i miss sumthin, cuz i'm lost. i'm not a fan of eating hen beaks or dipping my head into freshly gutted antelopes blood but i've considered going on Fear Factor because there's a chance of winning $50,000!!! these ladies get NOTHING! nuthin but flavor flav. poor, tv exposure hungry ladies.

the entire struggle

***ATTN: SEE NEXT BLOG FIRST***
739pm. almost an hour since i posted the last blog. i couldn't do it. i'm not strong enough. i bought a pack of cigarettes and a 40 oz. of MGD. why did i even admit it? i dunno. i know that it's NOT about me being an attention whore or a drama king (yes, king). i do feel the need to talk about and give voice to my issues but that doesn't automatically lump me in with the Lyn's and Marei's of the world. i'm not here to bitch about the fact that my boyfriend took me off his top 8 on myspace and now my whole world is crumbling down (lyn). or to toss out any random sexual thought that pops into my head (the more vile, the better) in order to get ANY type of attention (marei). i think i came back to confess because i need for people to know so that hopefully i'll eventually feel some type of regret, maybe even a little shame about it. i was suffering, but doing so good and now i just flushed it. 9 days. gone. tony's gonna be pissed. i don't know if i'm gonna tell him or not. he doesn't read this blog unless i send him the link and tell him to read something specifically. but who knows? maybe he saved the link and he pops in every now and then to see what i'm yappin about. if he does then my shame will be tenfold. he's really concerned about my health. before, he hated cigarettes anyway. but then when i got sick and was told that i HAD to quit smoking, he made it his mission to make sure that i do so. he's threatened to leave me several times over this....said he can't just sit around and watch me kill myself. sigh. i'm pretty sure no one reads these on the weekends (you guys probably have....what do they call them?.....ummm....oh yeah, lives) but it'll all be here for the lot of you to see on monday morning. the entire struggle. maybe even tuesday morning; i forgot monday was a holiday. i realize that most of my blogs could cause me to be labeled as a "debbie downer" so from now on i'll try to keep the misery to myself. i'll at least curtail it some. shit, i depress my own fuckin self sometimes. and you know what? i got the cigs, i feel better physically as far as the cravings go, but i'm just as down as ever. because i gave in.

sorry patrick

so. it's 643pm. it's saturday. i'm at home. in my pajamas. i feel like i NEED a cigarette. at least i NEED a distraction to keep me from thinking about cigarettes. everybody is busy doing stuff. tony has a massage appointment at 7pm and another at 9pm. shellie's busy with boring family stuff (her words, not mine). my brother just left to go camping for the weekend. my best friend ebony is going for a girls night out to some place on hollywood & highland. all my various cousins are at work. i'm scared to spend my last $8 on beer (even though that's exactly what i could use right now) because if i go to the store i don't know if i could walk out without getting cigarettes, for one. also, beer plus no cig just equals EXTRA torture (right patrick?). so for now, i'm just gonna use this time to just write.....i'll try not to make it too long because then it loses people's attention (once again, right patrick?). sorry patrick. but fuck it! if this ends up too long, fuck it! at least it will have kept my mind off of those wonderful nicotine sticks.....i can just feel the smoke going down my throat now.....ok, i got sidetracked. what i was saying was, if this gets too long just stop reading like i do to patricks (sorry patrick). you know what the problem is? what's actually stopping me? it has very little to do with my health per se right now. and i say "right now" because i'm alone at home.....i've been alone at home since yesterday. it would be so easy for me to go get a pack of cigs and not tell anybody....who's gonna snitch? granny?? and in my mind i keep telling myself "it's only 20 more cigs, how much more damage can they do? i mean, it's pretty much inevitable that i'm getting some type of surgery or procedure done to my heart anyway right?" but, as i was saying, the only thing that stops me is that i'm 9 days in today and this is HORRIBLE right now!! if i get a pack of cigs i will be SO ok for tonight and early tomorrow, but i'll just get used to them all over again. and right now i'm hoping my next 9 days will be easier. if i smoke tonight then i have to feel JUST LIKE THIS in 9 more days?!?!? i can't feel like this again. so, as bad as it sucks right now, i'm gonna be a big boy about it. you know what i wish? i wish that i had coughed and threw up and shit like alot of people do when they have their first cigarette. that didn't happen to me. i spent all my life telling my dad and granny and everybody else that they should quit smoking and how nasty it was....until september 1998. earlier that year i had stopped smoking weed cuz i was going to Air Force boot camp in october 1998, so i started smoking black n' mild cigars cuz i just needed to smoke sumthin ya know? too bad patrick wasn't around back then (sorry patrick). seriously, so i was smoking the cigars for a few months but they started making me feel sick (to this day, i still hate the smell of them)......so one day i was walking to work and i saw the KOOL cigs poster outside the liquor store. KOOL was my dad's brand. without any thought or planning, i walked into the store and bought a pack. and upon first puff my thought was "OH MY GOD! this feels so good...and it doesn't taste as bad as i thought either" and i was hooked from then on. there was no stomach sickness, no headaches, no coughing....it was an instant attraction (i like to think it was mutual, thank you very much). so too bad i didn't barf back in september of 1998. then this woulda been my story of the time i tried a cigarette and it was the worst thing i ever put in my mouth. then i could talk about other things i could picture in my mouth (sorry patrick).

4 the heteros

"it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a womans separation to increase the population from generation to generation of the nation. now do you want an explanation or a demonstration?"